The trailer I watched for "The Vampire’s Assistant" made it look like a fast-paced, fun-packed movie with plenty of laughs and perhaps some interestingly tender moments as well. Such was not the case. Or, to put it more simply, there should be an Oscar in the future of whomever it was that made this remarkably uninteresting film look tolerable.

Steve identifies one of the performers as a vampire general (believe it or not, from a drawing of the vampire he saw in a book), and begs to become one. Ironically, the vampire (John C. Reilly) rejects Steve, but ends up turning Darren into one. This, of course, makes Steve jealous. And then there is Mr. Tiny who ... ahhhhh, you know, it doesn’t matter who Mr. Tiny is. You don’t need to know. Honest.  This is one of those movies that, if you haven’t read the books and don’t have some built-in, desperate fan need to see this thing, you don’t need to know any more, because you don’t want to see it. Trust me. The movie has a gloriously intriguing opening credit sequence which makes one think great and wonderful things are to follow, but nothing could be further from the truth.

The story is practically nonsensical. Everything about the characters is shrouded in mystery, none of which is explained. The problem is, you see, under the very large type used to announce that this film is "The Vampire’s Assistant," itty-bitty lettering is used to add that it is the beginning of the Cirque du Freak saga. The entire movie is simply set-up for whatever story is to follow.  But, nothing about this movie should make anyone interested enough to care. The acting is flat, boring. The characters are not engaging. No one presented on the screen seems real. They are merely puppets jerking one way or another because the script calls for them to do so. They are all painted in the broadest of strokes, and inconsistent strokes at that.

The special effects are uneven. Much of the wire work is jerky and inconsistent. The soundtrack is quite nice, but it plays on in the service of nothing. The story is laughably simple-minded, filled with holes and unforgivably sloppy transitions. In other words, this thing makes "Twilight" look like "Macbeth."
I can not tell you who the target audience for this badly put-together joke of a film could possibly be. One hopes the film is a monstrous insult to the book on which it was based, for if it is not, then there is a segment of the reading public out there that should simply be taken out and shot for their complicity in the murder of perfectly good trees.

There is little more worth saying. Simply put, this one has nothing to recommend itself to any general audience. Slow-moving, inconsistent, weakly centered and messageless, it is merely a dollar-trap which has been set out to empty the wallets of the gullible. Not worth your money, not worth your time, not worth talking about any longer.

Our final word: 1 star out of 5.

 The story opens with a couple copulating hot and heavy while their young child gets out of his crib, climbs up on a table to an open window, and plunges to his death. There are three statues on the table that the lad knocks over, a harbinger for the time to come with the couple after their child’s death: pain, grief, and despair. The wife (no names are given for the couple, just He and She) goes through a long stretch on medication. The husband is a psycho-therapist and undertakes curing his wife, getting her out of her depressed and fearful state of mind. Discarding all pills, he takes her to their house in the woods, cut off from everything, where he will do exercises with her to get her back to normal. 

 Basically a two character film, Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg have every nuance of character creating the eerie mood that prevails. In the woods, trees and their roots are ominous. Even an animal he comes across in the woods speaks to him in uttering “Chaos reigns!” Yes, it’s that kind of way-out film!

 Basically, one can say that this motion picture is a long therapy session with more harm being done through the therapy than good. “ANTICHRIST” has all sorts of “line goodies” such as “What the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve,” and “I can hear the cry of all the things that are about to die.”
 Divided into a prologue with chapters and an epilogue (where you question what is going on in the film’s conclusion), “ANTICHRIST” is by far one of the worst, if not the worst film I’ve ever seen in my close to forty years of film review. One could say it falls into the realm of a horror film. What it does possess is a great deal of graphic visual sex and nudity, sadism, brutality, and mutilation. It’s the extreme dark side of the director’s mind which he wanted to share with you, the viewing audience. 

 A good film at the movies? No way! I reviewed this film as a critic, without having to pay to see it. I just regret the complete waste of almost two hours plus travel to see that which was presented on screen. 

 BTW – Charlotte Gainsbourg won Best Actress Award at the Cannes Film Festival 2009 for this film. She certainly “gave her all” for this endeavor.

 As the first woman to fly across the Atlantic, this “goddess” and “America’s Sweetheart of the Skies” had charisma and boldness in all she undertook. Outspoken and seemingly facing danger at every turn, she was an inspiration to many people including First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, who was greatly inspired by this woman’s feats. 

 Setting out in 1937 on a flight around the world destiny and that fickle finger of fate intervened as she, her navigator, and plane were lost, never to be found. And she, like the Titanic sinking, would add to the folklore of this country, a mystery forever attempted to be solved.

 In making the film, director Nair had this to say about her intention in showing what made this aviator tick:
 “I wanted the film to be a living, pulsating portrait of this woman who dared to dream of things that no one had done before. Amelia lived a life as fully as possible and didn’t put a lid on her emotions or her ambitions.” This the film accomplished in showing. Adding black and white photos and film clips of the real Earhart truly enhances the production.

 Some great lines that show Earhart’s drive and zest for life come out in the film:
 “Who wants a life in prison and safety?”
 “Everyone has oceans to fly if you have it in your heart.”
 “Dreams have no boundaries.”

 Amelia’s spirit still lives on with the idea of taking chances and trying to succeed in whatever you set out to do.  One might possibly look for an Oscar nomination for Hilary Swank . . . her performance is that good, as is the film as well in recreating a legend and a bygone era.